2014 Note: Seems Imageshack removed all the screen captures. But the quotes are just as good by themselves.
Note: Episode title and quote above screenshot, not below.
Marge In Chains
If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
Marge: What's gotten into Lisa? Bart: Beats the HELL out of me! Homer: Bart!
Couch Gag “20 years ago…” from You Kent Always Get What You Want
Homer Simpson: This is the last picture on the roll. Bart Simpson: Praise the lord. Homer Simpson: You watch your mouth, you little smart ass.
Treehouse of Horror IV
Bastard! He's always one step ahead.
The PTA Disbands, Season 6, Episode 21
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in, chuckling nervously] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Treehouse of Horror III, Season 4, Episode 5
Burns: What do you think, Smithers? Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix. Burns: We *know* what you think!
Marge vs. the Monorail, Season 4, Episode 12
Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer, Junior? The kids can call you Ho-Ju! Bart: [appropriate pause] I'll get back to you.
The Last Exit to Springfield, Season 4, Episode 17
Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Homer: [thinking] My God! He coming onto me! Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle] [wink] Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious but the answer is no!
The Springfield Connection, Episode 23, Season 6
Apu: So, you are the new cop on the beat. [sighing] OK, I know the drill: what will it be? $100? $200? Marge: $200. [realizing] No, no! I mean, nothing! I don't take bribes. Apu: Yes, of course you don't. I will just leave this money on the table with my unseeing back to the money on the table. [he turns around] Marge: Apu, no. [she turns around] [Mr. Burns walks by, snatches the money] Together: [seeing the money gone] That's better!
Lisa’s First Word, Episode 10, Season 4
Homer: The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. [tucks Maggie in] I hope you never say a word. [shuts the door] Maggie: [taking her pacifier out] Daddy.
Duffless, Episode 16, Season 4
Homer: Well, time to go to work. Homer's brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour. Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan. Homer's brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing. [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything] Well, off to the plant. Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery. Homer's brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it? Homer: [panicky] I've got to think of a lie fast! Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery? Homer: Aah! [Runs off]
Mr Plow, Episode 9, Season 4
Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind? Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else is open at night? [aloud] It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. [thinks] Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that.
Simpson and Delilah, Episode 2, Season 2
Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy... must... die! Bart: I love you, Dad! Homer: D'oh! [lets him go] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson, Epsiode 1, Season 9
Homer: Now what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice. Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice...
Flaming Moe’s, Episode 10, Season 3
Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate... [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor] Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles? Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody. Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge! You can have what's left at the end of the day.
Homer the Great, Episode 12, Season 6
Homer: And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs -- Moe: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath. Number One: Everyone takes the same oath. Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong! Everyone: Yay! Moe: 'Cause he's already kind of heavy, you know, and --
Saturdays of Thunder, Episode 9, Season 3
[Bart wields an acetylene torch, his safety goggles neatly perched atop his head (not over his eyes).] Homer: Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. (Stupid kid.)
Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk, Episode 11, Season 3
Burns: These two gentlemen are american as apple pie! Hans and Fritz, why thats just... John and Frank! Quimby: Ich bin ein Springfielder Carl: Oh this aint good! Homer: We'll all lose our jobs! Marge: Look at all those worried faces, except for Lenny, he looks great! Lenny: (with mouth surgery) This is the worst day of my life!
Kamp Krusty, Epsiode 1, Season 4
Bart: We want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. [covers microphone with his hand] Can I say `crappy' on TV? Kent: Yes, on this network you can.
$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling), Episode 10, Season 5
Lisa: Mom! Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up? Lisa: I just had a bad dream! Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under -- Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
Homer the Vigilante, Episode 11, Season 5
Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighborinos! Homer: Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell.
Das Bus, Episode 14, Season 9
[Nelson, representing Japan, sticks some chopsticks up Wendell's nose.] Wendell: Oww, I can't breath! Please stop him! Skinner: I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.
Bart After Dark, Episode 5, Season 8
Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.
Team Homer, Episode 12, Season 7
Bart: [whining] Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck! Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that? Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth! Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. [hangs up] Lisa: We are not weiners! Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for? Bart+Lisa: They made us. Homer: "Oh, they made us." That's loser-talk! You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future champions of the world. Nothing's going to stop us now!
Trash of the Titans, Episode 22, Season 9
Homer: I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner! And tell the fat cats upstairs that things are gonna change in this town! Man: Okay... but this is where you register as a sex offender. Moe: [walking in] Aw, geez, there's always a line!
King of the Hill, Episode 23, Season 9
Ralph: You're it! Burns: We'll see about that. After him, Smithers!
Bart of Darkness, Episode 1, Season 6
Martin: Ah, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of summertime. Er, king. King!
Homer Badman, Episode 9, Season 6
Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers. Homer: Hey -- that's a half-truth!
Bart vs. Australia, Episode 16, Season 6
Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places? Brain: Quiet, it might be you! I can't remember. Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge. Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins. [Homer scribbles a check, then sighs with pleasure]
Mother Simpson, Episode 8, Season 7
Abe: Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas -- there's a haircut you could set your watch to.
Homer’s Phobia, Episode 15, Season 8
Moe: You ever been hunting before, there, Barty? Bart: Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay. [awkward silence] Homer: That is a very immature attitude, young man.
The Springfield Files, Episode 10, Season 8
Mr. Burns: So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt! Smithers: Wha...? What?! Mr. Burns: You know. Light-hearted, fancy-free. "Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!" [chuckles a bit] Smithers: Exactly, sir! [laughs nervously]
You Only Move Twice, Episode 2, Season 8
Hank: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready? Homer: Right. Hank: Three... Two... [phone rings] One second... [Hank answers the phone and Homer falls to the ground] Oh, my God, the guy's on the floor. Uh, that was a phone call; don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.
Krusty Gets Kancelled, Episode 22, Season 4
Kent Brockman: That ought to hold those SOB's.
Homer Goes To College, Episode 3, Season 5
Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T...
Grade School Confidential, Episode 19, Season 8
Homer: All right, men, get ready to blast off. [Slowly begins to drive forward] Whooo! We're in orbit now! What's that? A call from the President? Hello? [Switches to Nixon voice] Uh, yes. Let me just say this, about that. [Homer voice] Okay, Mr. President ... Milhouse: Bart, this is boring. [Bart and Milhouse get out of the wagon] Homer: ... There's some dangerous crabgrass over here ... Bart: I guess we could go to Martin's party. Milhouse: I don't know. If we're seen there, it will definitely take our social standing down a notch. Bart: We're what now, three? Milhouse: Three and a half. We get beat up, but we get an explanation.
Brother from Another Series, Episode 16, Season 8
Bart: He's planning something evil, I know it. It must have something to do with the town's water supply. Milhouse: Maybe he's gonna pee in the river! Bart: Mmm, nah, that's not his style.
The Crepes of Wrath, Episode 11, Season 1
Homer: Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me. Principal Skinner: Mm hm. I understand completely.
When Flanders Failed, Episode 3, Season 3
Stupid Flanders. Go ahead, Marge. Have a ball. What if they came back and I was dead from not eating. They'd cry their eyes out. [mock crying] "We should have never gone to the Flanders. Oh, why did we go to the Flanders' house and leave Homer alone with no food?" And I'll be laughing, laughing from my grave, ha ha ha.
Radio Bart, Episode 13, Season 3
Announcer: ... But order now. Supply is limited. Homer: Gasp! Limited!?!? [frantically dials the phone] Do you have any of those microphones left? Clerk: [standing in a warehouse filled to the roof with boxes of microphones] Yeah, a couple...
Wild Barts Can’t Be Broken, Episode 11, Season 10
Bart: And now we come to Mr. Homer Simpson. Did you know he likes to eat out of the Flanders' garbage? Marge: Oh, no, Homer ... Homer: [ashamed] I have a problem. Bart: Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults. Homer: Well, at least they've already done me. Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson. Homer: D'oh!
Treehouse of Horror V, Episode 6, Season 6
Ned: [on a TV] OK, everybody, let's see some biiig smiles! [hooks descend on audience, forcing their cheeks apart] Just relax and let the hooks do their work. Homer: [looks to man next to him] What the hell are you smiling at?